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Your choice: react or respond
Looking over your latest proposal, your coworker exclaims, "That will never work!". Having spent considerable time and energy on this project and feeling proud of the work, you feel the blood rushing to
your face and your fists clenching as you instantly reply, "Yes, it will!". We have all experienced a situation where we react strongly to a perceived threat or criticism. How different would this
interaction have been if you had chosen to respond in this manner, "You may be right; let's talk about it". Reacting, responding in a negative manner, shuts down the communication process. Responding,
reacting in a positive manner, facilitates understanding and encourages teamwork and consensus.
Communication is a complex process. We have all experienced the benefits of successful communication. When our thoughts are heard and understood, we feel that we are appreciated. It feels good to make a contribution.
It is satisfying to feel a kinship with others. Successful communication promotes good will and cooperation. It helps to get our needs met; it gets the job done. We feel valued and competent when we are heard.
Communication can break down for a number of reasons. What you say is not necessarily what the other person hears. What you hear may not be what they were saying. The words we use can be interpreted differently
depending on our tone of voice or body language. Have you ever seen someone insist that "everything is all right" when it is obvious by their tone of voice or body posture that it is certainly NOT all
right? These mixed signals are confusing and can lead to misunderstanding. The physical and emotional condition of the sender or the receiver can contribute to the breakdown of communication. How is your ability to
concentrate and respond affected by having a cold or being hungry? How does noise affect a person with a hearing aid? How difficult is it to concentrate if you are emotionally distraught because of an argument with
your best friend?
What can we do when we feel ourselves reacting? When we become defensive, pout, whine, yell, or cry? Is icy silence or leaving going to facilitate the situation? How do we get back to feeling that we are a team with
the same goals? We can choose to respond in a way that builds rather than destroys communication bridges.
Try This:
Stop, look, listen, then talk
Stop. Take a breath. Count to ten. Touch your forehead and close your eyes. Do whatever it takes to get you to pause in the situation. As a last resort instead of reacting, leave the room until you are ready
to look and listen. Say, “I want some time to think about that.”
Look
at the person. Look at yourself. Review the situation. What do they want? What do you want? What are the two of you trying to accomplish? What triggered the derailment? How do you get communication happening in a productive way?
Listen
to the other person. Listen to your own heart. Ask yourself what just happened. Fear and anger often mask a longing for something. Listen to hear what that is for you and then listen to hear what it is for the other person. Listen to your feelings and listen to the other persons' feelings. Try to “hear” what each of you is trying to say.
Then talk. Take turns talking. Reestablish the process. Reaffirm the goals. What are the common directions and wants? Get your process for working together back on track.
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